


heather

by bunstick



Series: the things we used to be [3]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alcohol, Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Bars and Pubs, California, Established Relationship, F/M, Heavy Angst, Post-Break Up, Song: Heather (Conan Gray), Tokyo (City)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-17
Updated: 2021-01-25
Packaged: 2021-03-15 19:28:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,007
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28818537
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bunstick/pseuds/bunstick
Summary: inspired by mr. conan gray's song "Heather"!iwaizumi hajime x fem!reader angst“I wish I were Heather”-------------------------------------my angst series
Relationships: Iwaizumi Hajime/Reader
Series: the things we used to be [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2104470
Comments: 8
Kudos: 28





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> story playlist: “Heather” by Conan Gray  
> -  
> wow not surprised im again neglecting hw + its taking me too long for this story :D

*announcement click*

“Welcome ladies and gentleman to Tokyo, Japan. We will be landing in 30 minutes. We are glad that you have chosen to fly with us and hope you will again. This is your pilot and have a nice day.”

“Ladies and gentlemen, please put up your trays and put away all electronics that are not on airplane mode. Please buckle your seat belts until the seat belt sign is off. Thank you for your cooperation and thank you for choosing our airline.”

You yawn a bit and look outside of your window. The sun peaking over the clouds. You were back in Japan after 6 years of college at UCI; University of California Irvine. Majoring in public health, you had your fun and graduated last semester. Now, you are coming back home to your family and to hopefully settle down in Japan.

~

Stretching your arms over your head at the airport, you scan the Tokyo scene. Though it was only the airport, it was busy. Your luggage and a few boxes sat next to you as you sat and waited for your parents.

“y/n!!!”

You look up from your phone, closing it off. Your parents ran towards you and threw themselves on you for a hug.

“My sweet daughter, oh how I have missed you!”

“Hello, to you too mother. Hello dad.”

“Hi, sweetheart, are you tired from the flight? Honey, get off of y/n, she must be tired.”

“How can she be tired around her mother who has not seen her in person for almost 6 years.”

You smile and hug her back. You have not visited home for all 6 years of college, only calls and facetimes and gifts.

“Let’s get home shall we?” Your dad offered.

“Yeah, let’s do that.”

~

Dropping your stuff in your childhood home, you enter your room and the bed was the same from when you first left. All of the furniture still in its place and small knick knacks you didn’t bring to college still decorated the small room. Upon entering the room, you let yourself get the rest you needed.

For the next few days, you unpacked a little and let yourself greet old friends and family and the owner of the convenience store you went to since you were an elementary schooler. You met up with old friends and caught up with their lives. Some were working, some were even engaged while some were still in school. 

The fun had gone on for a couple of weeks until you found a place about 30 minutes from your parents' and closer to the heart of the city. You have been here for about a month and finally got a hold of a place of your own and worked as a epidemiologist.

As of right now, you were slowly unpacking. You rummage through your California clothes.

_ Ah, fuck. I need to get new clothes, It’s going to be colder and hotter here. _

You go through older memoirs and fall across this small shoebox labelled, “Bubs.” You pick it up and dust the box off as you open it. Inside were various things of your ex-boyfriend of 3 years that broke up with you over the phone while he was back in Japan 2 years ago. You were not sure why you still had this. His hoodie, still tucked in the back of your closet and his small notes and cards and gifts kept in the box. You wanted to throw it away, but you couldn’t. So you kept it while it became a stabbing needle in your closet from time to time.

You sigh and close it immediately, tucking it into the back of the closet as you close the doors and grab your keys. You haven’t seen him for almost 2 years now, yet you still loved him. He was strong and adorable, had a best friend you had grown to know over the phone. He loved you and hugged and kissed you whenever and wherever, showing the utmost affection you could ever ask. But, you guess long distance was not the choice. Though he and you graduated the same year, you took on 2 more years as he flew back. For the rough year, it was on and off calling between his work and your schooling and he decides to break it off, and you agree knowing it was the best for the both of you.

It wasn’t.

You deteriorated after. No parties, no outings, no interactions with anyone. You stayed in your room and eventually asked to be put into a singles dorm instead of a doubles. Iwaizumi, on the other hand, got to train with old friends and new people on the Japan team and you were glad for him.

You spent 5 months scrolling and looking at social media to see your ex-boyfriend living a life you wanted him to have with you, by himself. You were hurt for a while before you had to keep going and graduate.

You were still alone, and made a few acquaintances in classes to help you through. You still stayed in your dorm, but at least you interacted with people in classes. Upon graduating you made sure to come home, which led you here.

Now you were walking through the mall to look for new clothing. If anyone who hasn’t seen you for the past year saw you, they would not make out your face. You grew out your hair and got a few new ear piercings. You dyed your hair a bit and lost some weight and your clothing style changed a bit.

Rummaging through the clearance section of the store to save your fresh out of college budget, you bump into someone behind you, making her trip over her feet and fall.

“Oh my gosh, I am so sorry,” you say and quickly help her up and bow profusely in hopes of not making a scene.

She dusts herself off. You look up at her, entranced by her beauty. Her natural brown hair down to her hips framed her small and skinny body. Her hazel eyes shined under the light and her clothing style was ethereal. She suddenly shook her hands in front of you snapping you back to reality.

“No, no, no, I am alright,” she kindly replies, giving you a sweet smile.

That smile was like the sun. Something that drew everyone around them in. You push yourself to give back a weaker smile that fell inferior to the bright one she had. You bow to her in apology once more as she turns away to go to someone. A voice calls out to that girl as you walk away, it seemed familiar, but you thought nothing of it. You brushed it off, but it still was a particularly familiar voice that felt drilled into your head for some time.

A few more days of you getting used to the Tokyo city pass and it is now into the 5th weekend you have spent here. Instead of staying home and unpacking, your apartment was filled with your things and photos, so your friends dragged out to experience the Tokyo nightlife.

Which leads you to where you are.

In a small black dress, caked in makeup, a drink in your hand while the other aimlessly traces the counter of the bar.

“Miss? Miss.”

You look up at the cute bartender.

“Do you need anything?”

“Ah, no I am here with friends, looks like I might be DD.”

“If that is the case,” he points to the drink in your hand, “I’ll get you a cold water.”

“Oh, ok thank you,” you say and smile.

You turn in your chair and stare off to your friends dancing on the dance floor. Beers in hand, getting handsy with some strangers. You chuckle at it and turn back to see water in front of you.

“Thank you.”

“No problem.”

Your finger traces the rim of the glass as you keep thinking about that voice. It seemed familiar and suddenly took up your mind right now of all times. You kept tracing the rim of your water as your friend comes and puts a hand over your shoulder.

“y/n! You are supposed to be.. you are supposed to be partying,” she spit out very drunkenly.

“I can’t party when you 4 are like this.”

“What do you mean like this? I am perfectly sober,” she retorts standing up straight too fast where she is losing her balance.

“Go have fun, I did have my fun earlier.”

“No! Come with me,” she says as she drags your ass to the dance floor by your wrist.

You follow reluctantly and let yourself loose. The music blaring in your ears. The lights blinding your eyes. The heat of body warmth creeps on you as you start to break a small sweat from the crowd of people. You look around the dance floor, people happy and letting themselves become noodle like. You smile and keep dancing and looking at your friends until someone catches your attention.

The girl from the mall.

Her hair flowed effortlessly despite the fact of the many bodies against her due to the crowdedness. Her body was in perfect shape to her dark red dress and her makeup was effortlessly natural looking, maybe she didn’t even have any makeup on. Her strapped black heels on her feet moved as she danced with an energetic smile looking at someone. You look to who had her wrapped in their arms, must be one lucky guy.

Him.

It was hard to recognize at first. His disheveled spiky hair that you used to comb your fingers through all the time was the deciding factor. His smile was bright and his eyes trained onto the girl in front of him. 

You couldn’t blame him could you? 

She was an angel, from the moment she forgave you for making her fall over. You felt inferior.

Now knowing the fact your ex boyfriend was with her, you could only say that it was a great choice to be with that girl.

Sure, you had no idea what that girl was like from just the encounter you had with her a few days ago, but the fact you remembered her and everything seemed that she was incredible. 

His smile at her said the same.

You kept moving slowly as your thoughts ran at lightning speed. His genuine smile was all that took up your thoughts. The last time he smiled like that was your guy’s 3rd year anniversary, when he was still in California with you. He stared at her like he used to do to you, with love. It hurt to look at it, but all you had to do was not care. You did not want to care, to look away is what you wanted, but his figure was a target your eyes could not leave.

Your friend shakes your wrist.

“y/n. y/n.”

“Hm?”

“What are you looking at?”

“Oh, nothing, nothing.”

“Well, okkkkk,” she slurred out.

“Where are the others?”

“At the booth drinking, maybe even hooking up with someone.”

“Let’s get you home alright?”

“But, what about, what about the o.. others?”

“I’ll get them home too, come on it’s very late and I want to go home.”

“Oh, alright alright.”

You lead her to the booth and find your other friends talking and drinking a bit, slightly drunk as you tell them you would drop them all home.

You could not bear to keep being in the presence of Iwaizumi, even if he had no idea you were back home in Japan or even here. You knew that he was here and that was all that mattered. You could not bear to look at him because you felt sorry.

Sorry for the fact that he left you. Sorry for making him be long distance with you. Sorry for making him wait for so long that he had to end it anyways. Sorry for not being enough.

He would always have you sit on his lap, straddling him and hugging him as he combed his hand through your hair, assuring you that you were always enough, the best for him. 

You did not want to think about it because it was proven wrong by that girl.

The girl that you could not blame for she was better if you looked at it. Prettier, sweeter, kinder, everything you could not reach, as if you and her were millions of levels away.

You did not want to think it about it right now so you took your friends and left.

After dropping each of your friends safely in their homes, putting them in bed and setting a glass of water and a note for each of them, you head home.

The apartment a long way from the place you spent 6 years of your adult life and a long way from the man you have first loved.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> you wished for so much and to be someone you could not

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OAOJDOAIJ I AM SO SORRY FOR SUCH A WAIT ON THE UPDATE- A WHOLE WEEK?? i have been trying to work on my procrastination problem and fixing up my mess of a life and room with new additions and movements and have been overall VERY VERY BUSY also have been pondering on how to end this so i am sorry and i hope you end this eh of an ending :DD

The cold and gloom shadowed the apartment as the 2AM moonlight shone through the window. You walk over and close the blinds over the sink and fill a cup of water, chugging it down. Slamming the cup down, you think.   


The olive green eyes staring at the sweet angel in front of him in the glaring bar lights. 

It used to be you. 

Scoffing and suppressing all of your tears, you stood up from leaning on your arms which pressed onto the edge of the counter. The padding of your feet on the cold floors made its way to your room and you recall some song that you have heard before.    


You strip off your dress and slip on a hoodie and pants. You sit on your bed and scroll through your memories on your photos.    


Old photos from the beaches in California. The UC Irvine campus. Late night photos of studying with some friends before you cut yourself off from them. 

And a photo of you and Iwaizumi at an ice cream place on December 3rd.    


You tap on it and ponder on it.   
****

**_“I still remember the third of December, me in your sweater.”_ **   


You were standing there with an ice cream in hand and feeding it to Iwaizumi. A high school hoodie of his on your body with a puffer over it and scarf. A beanie on his head as snowflakes fell that day later in the night, as you remembered when you guys took a trip to Lake Tahoe. 

He would hold you close at night in your room, at the cabin you and your friends had rented. His body warmth was better than anything, better than the fire, better than the hot coffee he greeted you with every time you woke up after him after a rough or a tired night.    


You look at the picture and click delete.   


_ Delete Forever? _   


You tap yes.   


The memory is now gone.   


Now your tears fell. You really liked him, no, loved him. Though it was hard to keep up with him with schooling and his work, you tried all the time.   


Sending him messages every morning, every night, even at 3AM when you missed him so much. He replied of course, but you understood that his short responses back were because of his busy life, just like yours. 

Eventually he called you out of the blue at 1 AM 2 years ago as you studied away for an exam. You were excited because you have not heard his voice for 2 weeks. Accepting the call you greeted him excitedly despite the fact you had been studying for 3 hours.   


_ “Hi bubs!” _ _  
_

_ “Hey,” he lowly replies. _ _  
_

_ “What’s,” you yawn, “wrong?” _ _  
_

_ “Nothing. Are you studying?” _ _  
_

_ Your attention was diverted and you replied. _ _  
_

_ “Yes, I have an exam in 2 weeks.” _ _  
_

_ “That’s so far away, why are you studying right now.” _ _  
_

_ “I need to pass Hajime. So that I can pass the semester and graduate in 2 years to come home to you!” _ _  
_

_ “Oh.” _ _  
_

_ “Hm? What do you mean? Is that something you don’t want?” _ _  
_

_ You put your pencil down and look at his uneasy expression at the thought of you coming home to  _ _ him in 2 years. _ _  
_

_ “You can come visit, you know. I miss you here in America.” _ _  
_

_ “I know that, but I do not think I will be going to America anytime soon.” _ _  
_

_ “Oh, then I can come visit this winter!” _ _  
_

_ “No.” _ _  
_

_ You were taken aback at his confrontation. Confused as well, you were scared. Could this be the end? _ _  
_

_ “What do you mean,” you hesitantly ask. _ _  
_

_ “y/n.” _ _  
_

_ “Yes?” _ _  
_

_ “You know I love you right?” _ _  
_

_ “Yes, and I love you too.” _ _  
_

_ “I.” _ _  
_

_ “You?” _ _  
_

_ “I can't do this anymore.” _ _  
_

_ Your heart dropped. A heavy weight was just pushed into place. You bit your lip and started to chip your nail. _ _  
_

_ “Are you breaking up with me?” _ _  
_

_ “Yes, because this isn’t working y/n.” _ _  
_

_ “But.” _ _  
_

_ “I can’t do this distance,” he sighed. _ _  
_

_ “I am sorry, I can call you more, I can text you more and everything.” _ _  
_

_ “y/n, you do do all of that, it’s just me. I don’t do that and I don’t want to keep hurting you like that.” _ _  
_

_ “But, you’re busy, so I understand,” your tears started to trickle out slowly as your leg furiously bounced. _ _  
_

_ “I am busy and I don’t want that to drive us away like it is starting to.” _ _  
_

_ After another 10 minutes of talking, he ends it. _ _  
_

_ Your shirt was wet with tears and the work in front of you was the last thing you cared for as you cried yourself to sleep for months. _ _  
_

_ On social media, 9 months later, he had gotten a new girlfriend, he looked at her lovingly, the gaze that used to be set on you was something you missed so dearly. _ _  
_ ****

**_“But I watch your eyes as she walks by.”_ **   


Back to the present, you really missed him. You still loved him a lot, and the view of him at the bar made you want him more. You wanted to be wrapped in his arms and dancing under the bright lights.    


But the girl was ethereal. You could not compare to her.   
****

**_“What a sight for sore eyes, brighter than the blue sky, she’s got you mesmerized, while I die.”_ **   


Tears poured as you just thought of how you were not enough. You mind raced between yes and no and just the vision of him after years. He seemed so happy with her. Her smile was warm and never failed to make you feel that way too.   
****

**_“_ ** **_Why would you ever kiss me?”_ **   


His lips used to be captured by yours. His smile created by you, his frown sometimes too. Dating him was the best time of your life. His everyday walks on campus to you and the sall study dates at the library and local cafe. The trips to the beach in the summer and Disneyland if you guys had spare money and time.    


A Mickey Mouse headband hung on the wall. A matching one that Iwaizumi also had. 

You were not sure why you still had it. Of course you could pass it off as being pretty expensive, but you knew you just wanted to remember the fun you had. The excessive money you both blew in the park. The dole whip and the characters you met. The fun rides and shows you saw. The tired feet you had going home where he had to carry you. The fireworks show.   


You lost your first kiss to him under those fireworks the first 3 months in after starting to date him.   
You turn to your social media and find his profile yet again. He had unfollowed you long ago and you did the same, but you still watched his account.

**_“Put your arm 'round her shoulder, now I'm getting colder.”_ **   


The photo of the new couple at a festival this past spring and his arm was around her shoulder.   


“ **_But how could I hate her, she's such an angel.”_ **   


You wanted to hate him, hate  **HER** . 

But you couldn’t. 

She made him look so happy, maybe even sound happy through the photo that glowed on the screen of the phone. That smile did not appear that day when you picked up at 1 AM studying. A look of stress was wiped on his face that night, and you believed you had caused it. You wanted to be back at his side though.

**_“But then again, kinda wish she were dead...”_ ** **_  
_ **

Humming a small tune to yourself you just recall the happiest of old memories with Iwaizumi before that dreaded night.   
****

**_“I wish I were Heather.”_ **   


_ “Iwa-chan, your girlfriend has come looking for you,” Oikawa pointed to Iwa over the phone as you stood in the door frame of his dorm. _ _  
_

_ “ _ _ Hi, Oikawa,” you chirp, immediately taking Iwaizumi’s phone from his hand and ignoring him as you chatted with his best friend. _

_ “ _ _ Are you going to ignore your boyfriend?” Iwaizumi asked, annoyed. _ _  
_

_ You continued to chat with Oikawa about what he was doing in Argentina. Iwaizumi moves from his desk chair and heads to your figure that laid stomach down on the bed. He plops his chest onto your back, crushing you under his weight. His face finds your neck as he kisses it and whispers. _ _  
_

_ "Are you ignoring your boyfriend?” _ _  
_

_ Oikawa laughs on the other end. _ _  
_

_ “ _ _ Iwa-chan? I didn't know you were so needy.” _ _  
_

_ "Shut it Shittykawa, at least I have a girlfriend.” _

_ “You- How rude Iwa. I am not the shitty one here, you are.” _ _  
_

_ You giggled as you said goodbye to Oikawa and rolled over onto your back while Iwa still laid on you with no motive to move. You wrap your arms around his shoulders and play with his hair as he settles on your chest. _ _  
_

_ “ _ _ Hello,” you say out to him. _ _  
_

_ “Hello.” _ _  
_

_ A peaceful silence started to form as you kept playing with his hair. _

_ “Wanna know something?” _ _  
_

_ “What?’ _

_ “I love you.” _ _  
_

_ You smiled happily, it was your yellow, your sunshine that loved you back like you did him. _ _  
_

_ “I love you too.” _   


_ I still love you. _   


You thought to yourself as you kept crying. The nightlights of the street shine through the blinds of your room. It was so cold, though it was practically the end of the summer. 

You did not have that sunshine any more.    


Gone, melted away with the spring the months after than end, clouded by thunderstorms and rain.    


While he was back steadily on his feet, you built yourself up using tape and glue that would fall apart in any second. And you could never blame him for it.   


Because it wasn't his fault, neither was it yours but you thought differently.   


She was beautiful, everything you were not, which made you not enough for the wonderful person Iwaizumi was.   


His kisses and hugs and cuddles you stole relentlessly from him and you gave it back to him, but you felt as if it was not enough. You have always felt this, and he always made you think otherwise. But now, it was different.   


You sit up and look at yourself in the large mirror of your room.   


Looking at all the things you had of you. Your hair, body, face, nose and lastly lips. The lips he used to call his, the lips that captured his or he captured.    


The comparisons of you and her were unmatched. It threw you into shambles. Shambles of denial, confusion, utter hatred of yourself and her, but never him.   


You wanted to punch the wall but you shouldn’t at such an ungodly hour so you ended with a blurred vision by tears of your lap. Your fists gripping madly at the end of the hoodie you wore as you wet it with tears. 

And you hated it all. Hated the world, hated her, hated fate. 

**Hated yourself.**   


Because in the end, you aren't her. And that was what hurt you most.

**_“I wish I were.”_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok so the last lyrics is how the real song ends so thats y it cuts like that uhm that was an ok ending???? anyways!!!
> 
> rec to friends or whatever and check out my other stories!  
> -  
> kudos <3
> 
> tiktok: @bunstickz

**Author's Note:**

> check out my other stories on sad songs! and rec to friends <3  
> -  
> kudos <3


End file.
